By Jason Wu, Ph.D.
“I lived in a glass house into which my mother could look at any time. In a glass house, however, you cannot conceal anything without giving yourself away, except by hiding it under the ground. And then you cannot see it yourself, either.”
from “The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self” by Alice Miller
The plight of the child who grows up with a parent who is unable to emotionally provide for their child due to their own emotional suffering is well illustrated in this excerpt from this book. A child may intuitively realize that it is not safe to share their wants, feelings, and desires with an abusive or narcissistic parent. In other cases, parents with their own unmet emotional needs sometimes fill those needs by unintentionally using their children – for example, a parent who never received approval from their own family might raise their child to constantly provide them with reassurance, leaving the child with their own unmet needs and perpetuating a cycle of codependency and suffering.
As a result, these children sometimes learn that they should focus their energies into keeping their parent(s) satisfied, and they then bury their own needs under the ground to keep themselves safe. While it is a very reasonable protective strategy at the time, these children often grow into adults completely unaware of their own unmet emotional needs, and they may have difficulty expressing their emotions in an open and authentic way, because part of them still feels it is unsafe to be vulnerable with others. As a result, they may find themselves feeling unsatisfied in relationships, feel empty or isolated from others, and experience significant mental health issues due to inefficient or unsustainable emotional coping strategies.
However, through all of the suffering, these individuals’ inherent drives to survive the emotionally deprived and painful environments in childhood also helped them cultivate certain “gifts” – such as emotional and psychological resilience, heightened empathy and sensitivity, and a deep understanding and appreciation for compassion and love.
Truthfully, one of my greatest passions as a psychologist is helping individuals “dig” through their childhood traumas and discover and meet their own unmet needs, develop a stronger sense of self-compassion, set appropriate boundaries with abusive or narcissistic individuals and family members, and cultivate the gifts of strength that they used to survive their childhoods in order to intentionally create a life that breaks the cycle of suffering and to liberate themselves by saying, sometimes for the first time ever: “I am living my life for me, and I am allowed to choose who I let into my life.”
If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to call (650-517-3213) for a free phone consultation or email me at jasonwu87@gmail.com – note, email is not a secure form of communication but we can always use email to schedule a free phone appointment.