By Jason Wu, Ph.D.
Looking for a therapist can be really challenging. I’ve heard people compare it to online dating, where you really don’t know how it’s going to go but there’s a sense that you have to learn as much as you possibly can about the other person in order to see if you might be compatible and whether this person could be “the one.” And there’s a sense of anxiety and pressure to make the right decision, and you try to find as much information about the person before you even try to contact them. Yep, it can be a stressful experience.
Some common questions that might come up during this process are:
“Do I need to find a therapist who does a particular type of treatment?”
“If one therapist doesn’t do that treatment but I feel like I could connect better with them versus someone who does do that particular treatment, which one should I choose?”
“Would it be better if a therapist is older than me because they might be wiser or someone around the same age as me because I would relate better?”
“If my therapist is younger, will they really be able to understand me?”
“Would I really feel comfortable working with someone of a particular gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc.?
“Does it make me a bad person if I don’t feel okay working with therapists of a certain background?”
In response to that last question: NO. You are human. Meaning you, just like everyone else, come with a certain set of experiences, beliefs, and a cultural identity that predisposes you to connect well with some people and not connect well with others. And that is true of therapists too (because we’re people too!).
And to answer the other questions, here are a few bullet points that might help you find a therapist who best suits your needs:
1. Fit matters
In fact, a huge part (somewhere between 30-70%) of whether therapy is effective* is based on the relationship you have with your therapist – whether you feel understood, whether you feel they are empathic and warm, and other factors that impact the overall strength of the relationship (which may include trust, communication style, personality dynamics, etc). And sometimes it’s hard to know who we connect with best – which is why it sometimes is helpful to speak with a therapist first to get a sense of how you feel with them before you make a decision.
2. That doesn’t mean that the type of therapy doesn’t matter
The American Psychological Association has been working on developing lists of ESTs (empirically supported treatments) for specific disorders – basically trying to figure out what therapies are the “gold standard” for certain disorders. While the research so far has not been 100% conclusive, what we do know is that a therapist who is familiar with one particular type of treatment and knows how to implement it well is more effective than one who is disorganized and has yet to develop a coherent framework. In addition, certain people (clients) gravitate towards certain treatment types because they make more sense to them – for example, I do a lot of acceptance- and compassion-based work, and people who believe in the idea of accepting their feelings rather than fighting them and the power of being compassionate towards themselves and others tend to fit best with me.
3. Sometimes it takes some trial and error to figure out what you want/need in this particular period of your life, but the most important thing is to honor your experience and trust your intuition (and be sure to talk about it with a potential therapist!)
Like I had mentioned in the “Is Therapy For Me?” page, there are various ways that therapy can be helpful, and some therapists might excel in one area but not so much in another (e.g. good at being very active and practicing strategies but might not be as good at connecting or relating, or vice versa). If you are feeling that something isn’t right in therapy, I highly recommend you bring it up with your therapist to try to work it out – it might be something that can be worked out, and it could be valuable information for the therapeutic process, particularly in helping you understand your needs better. And it might lead you to the next bullet point:
4. You are not stuck with one therapist forever – you have the right to choose
Personally, I have been to a number of therapists and it wasn’t always the right fit, and I eventually learned that I had the right to change therapists because it was what I needed at the time. Therapists also understand this and we don’t take it personally – we know that no one person gets along with everyone, and that it’s okay for clients to assert their right to look for what they need and what feels right. Trust in your intuition and know your rights.
In any case, I hope this helps! If you have any questions, call me at (650) 517-3213 for a free phone consultation and we can try to work together to help you better understand your needs.
*Duncan, B. L., Miller, S. D., Wampold, B. E., & Hubble, M. A. (2010). The heart and soul of change: Delivering what works in therapy. American Psychological Association.