By Jason Wu, Ph.D.
“So let’s start talking about your parents.”
Ah, this is what therapy always seems to go to, right? At least in the movies and TV.
Well, the truth about the matter is that our relationships with our parents DO matter – they are the first relationships that we engage in (or don’t engage in), and they teach us a lot without us even really realizing it.
They teach us whether we can trust if someone will be there to catch us when we fall, or if it’s okay to fail, or whether it’s safe to share about our honest thoughts and feelings. The answers to these questions have a profound effect on how we relate to people for the rest of our lives. So when the answers to these questions aren’t quite the most ideal, it might feel like we’re doomed to dysfunctional relationships for the rest of our lives.
Nope! Definitely not. Otherwise I’d be doomed too!
There’s been tons of research on “attachment styles,” which are what I described before – the style of relating that we learned from our relationships with our parents.
So of course, our own attachment style affects how we function in our romantic relationships. Oftentimes a person who grew up anxiously attached to an emotionally distant or neglectful parent will also be attracted to a person similarly emotionally distant or neglectful, mostly because it feels normal (because it is normal, at least to the persons involved). However, the more insight we can get into ourselves and our relationship styles, the better we can create intentional change and connect with our partners in new, more open, and more caring ways.
Some of the issues that I commonly work with involving different attachment styles in terms of romantic relationships include issues with commitment, a lack of trust, difficulties communicating honestly and openly, becoming resentful of the other person, jealousy, feeling the other is “preventing” you from growing as a person or hampering your independence and individuality, and codependency.
Lastly, if you would like to do some research on attachment styles on your own time, you can look up articles from the researchers Bowlby and/or Ainsworth, or go read “Attached” by Heller & Levine.
If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to call (650-517-3213) for a free phone consultation or email me at jasonwu87@gmail.com – note, email is not a secure form of communication but we can always use email to schedule a free phone appointment.